This is devastatingly earnest and heartfelt; I’m grateful to have a chance to read. I’m sorry that you’re going through grief and loss; losing that one person is the most painful, earth-shattering life changes to try to process. The heavy void of grief, like having a human-sized hole dug out from inside the chest, the abyss of missing a loved one and yet to keep going, searching for them through the lens of tear-stained memories, you render this tragic experience with tender clarity and accuracy. It seems so cruel to me that we have to go through the loss of a beloved in the end. So many of your sentences rang true. I like the part about not feeling in half measures, but rather with an intensity and fullness. I agree about not being any good with lies or mockery; the part you wrote: “I cannot lie at all. I would rather stumble through a stupid-sounding, grammatically incorrect but factually accurate sentence, grasping at straws, leaning on others for help, than a blatant untruth — which makes it all the more earth-shattering that others can do it without it eating them alive.” Yes, I agree. Sincerity can feel like my near-fatal flaw, but also in these days of lies and distrust, I think sincerity is a good quality, a rebellion against the postmodern status quo of apathy and irony that’s often been weaponized against us. I have to add that I think you are not damaged goods, I promise (I’m quite familiar with that damaged feeling too.) The fact that you’re still writing, publishing, learning languages: that means your inherent self is strong, invaluable, and worth listening to by reading your brilliant, sincere writing. Thank you for writing and sharing your experience. Please know that I do appreciate, respect, and value your ongoing project to write and to speak the truth. That’s no small task, and it makes a difference for other people who have gone through similar losses in the past. Keep going with your writing art; keep up the good fight. You’re a good person and an extraordinarily gifted, beautiful writer.
I'm so sorry, Millie. Jessica's comment captures everything I want to say far more eloquently than I can, so I'll just say this: thank you for writing this piece. So much writing feels excessively cold and detached right now, and I always appreciate how yours never sacrifices sincerity and feeling.
I’m always fascinated by people who willingly want to learn my mother tongue - it’s one of the most complex languages out there and I’m grateful I speak it fluently. This was a wonderful portrayal of what it’s like being in the first stages of learning a language - and I’m so sorry for your loss. Good luck with Russian - you’re doing really well!! ❤️
thank you so much, this is very kind! it is incredibly complex but the way it works makes so much inherent sense to me, and the fact it is so difficult is a thing of beauty and a challenge rather than something intimidating. i'm really looking forward to making more progress with it! <3
Очень здорово, что ты посвящаешь свое время изучению такого сложного (но интересного и красивого!) языка. Считаю, что освоить кириллицу, только чтобы поддержать незнакомого тебе человека — очень милый жест и многое говорит о тебе, как о человеке (это комплимент). Желаю удачи и стабильного прогресса в изучении языка!
This is devastatingly earnest and heartfelt; I’m grateful to have a chance to read. I’m sorry that you’re going through grief and loss; losing that one person is the most painful, earth-shattering life changes to try to process. The heavy void of grief, like having a human-sized hole dug out from inside the chest, the abyss of missing a loved one and yet to keep going, searching for them through the lens of tear-stained memories, you render this tragic experience with tender clarity and accuracy. It seems so cruel to me that we have to go through the loss of a beloved in the end. So many of your sentences rang true. I like the part about not feeling in half measures, but rather with an intensity and fullness. I agree about not being any good with lies or mockery; the part you wrote: “I cannot lie at all. I would rather stumble through a stupid-sounding, grammatically incorrect but factually accurate sentence, grasping at straws, leaning on others for help, than a blatant untruth — which makes it all the more earth-shattering that others can do it without it eating them alive.” Yes, I agree. Sincerity can feel like my near-fatal flaw, but also in these days of lies and distrust, I think sincerity is a good quality, a rebellion against the postmodern status quo of apathy and irony that’s often been weaponized against us. I have to add that I think you are not damaged goods, I promise (I’m quite familiar with that damaged feeling too.) The fact that you’re still writing, publishing, learning languages: that means your inherent self is strong, invaluable, and worth listening to by reading your brilliant, sincere writing. Thank you for writing and sharing your experience. Please know that I do appreciate, respect, and value your ongoing project to write and to speak the truth. That’s no small task, and it makes a difference for other people who have gone through similar losses in the past. Keep going with your writing art; keep up the good fight. You’re a good person and an extraordinarily gifted, beautiful writer.
thank you so so much, you are always so kind ❤️
I'm so sorry, Millie. Jessica's comment captures everything I want to say far more eloquently than I can, so I'll just say this: thank you for writing this piece. So much writing feels excessively cold and detached right now, and I always appreciate how yours never sacrifices sincerity and feeling.
thank you, this means so so much to me ❤️❤️❤️
I’m always fascinated by people who willingly want to learn my mother tongue - it’s one of the most complex languages out there and I’m grateful I speak it fluently. This was a wonderful portrayal of what it’s like being in the first stages of learning a language - and I’m so sorry for your loss. Good luck with Russian - you’re doing really well!! ❤️
thank you so much, this is very kind! it is incredibly complex but the way it works makes so much inherent sense to me, and the fact it is so difficult is a thing of beauty and a challenge rather than something intimidating. i'm really looking forward to making more progress with it! <3
Очень здорово, что ты посвящаешь свое время изучению такого сложного (но интересного и красивого!) языка. Считаю, что освоить кириллицу, только чтобы поддержать незнакомого тебе человека — очень милый жест и многое говорит о тебе, как о человеке (это комплимент). Желаю удачи и стабильного прогресса в изучении языка!
спасибо большое элли, ты очень добрая! ❤️❤️